Peer-Reviewed Journal on "Letters Evaluating Writing Dear Student"

Quoted Instructions for "Letters Evaluating Writing Dear Student" Assignment:

Would you please finish this by 2:00 pm.?

Read the two argument essays and write peer review letters (2-pages each). Sample peer review essay and the questions that will help you to write letters are attached.

These questions will help you to write peer review letter.

* What does this essay do well? Or, where is this essay most successful/effective?

* Does the introduction capture your attention? Does it help you see where the essay is headed?

* Is the central argument clear? Does it meet the criteria of successful main arguments?

* Is it clear how the author*****s experience relates to and supports the argument? Where could this connection/support be made stronger? What questions do you have about this argument or experience?

* What are three things that the author could focus on as they revise? (You may want to think about organization, evidence, relevance of each body paragraph to the main argument, places where you were confused, etc.)

This is an sample of peer review write letter.

Dear Amy,

Your essay does a very nice job of relating how your experience at the New Life Church affected you emotionally and what you were thinking throughout your time there. I was able to understand your connection to the girl who stood up at the front to explain her story of finding herself thanks to the New Life Church. I think you communicated this well because you went into great depth about why this girl impacted you. For example, you say that you still have *****yet to find [your] niche in the religious aspect of [your] life***** and also acknowledge that you are not exaggerating your experience when you say that the New Life Church is not the place that has helped you find that *****niche***** but it *****was a good place to start.*****

However, there were some places where I struggled as a reader while reading this essay. First of all, the introduction to your paper was not as attention-getting as it could have been. I believe the reason for this to be a lack of detail. You used an interesting fact to begin the essay (about the loud music coming from the Church) but could have gone so much further in your analysis to give the reader a better idea of specifically what was going on. You mention *****loud music***** and the *****instrumentalists on stage***** but even after reading, I still do not know what kind of music was playing or if you even liked it. Throughout the essay, I was curious about what style of music could be played in the *****contemporary***** church that would draw as many people there as I imagine there might be. Another struggle I had with the essay was its lack of detail in general in your descriptions of the events taking place. I was constantly asking myself *****˜who, what, and where?***** For example, I think you needed to include more detail about who *****they***** was referring to on page two, paragraph two because it is very ambiguous. Another example might be to explain how you knew that the church members were close-knit when you describe the people you saw upon entering the Church at the top of page two. Adding this information would help the reader focus on the story being told rather losing interest by trying to imagine what you could be describing when it is not said. After reading the essay and thinking back on what I had just read, I do not have a clear picture of what exactly you saw or encountered because of the lack of detail mentioned above.

I found your conclusion to be rushed and too short. I get this impression from the way that you tried to touch on the different areas of the essay briefly and wrap it all up with a thoughtful statement*****in this case, about your ongoing search for your perfect fit in the religious world. I think you could have expanded upon it by discussing what specific *****new things***** you want to try and what exactly about the service you did and did not like, rather than saying simply that you *****enjoyed the service.***** You also could have brought up what your ideal church experience would be like, since it lies somewhere between the style of your childhood church service and the modern New Life Church service. I am interested to know about what specific elements of your former church you liked and why it was not your *****niche***** and why the New Life Church appealed to you but also did not satisfy that *****niche.*****

Overall, I really did enjoy reading your paper. Your greatest strength in writing is your good intertwining of your emotions with the events going on around you. I liked seeing how the actions occurring around you, like people waving their arms to the music, affected you, because it let me see why you weren*****t quite comfortable there. Your greatest weakness, I think, is the lack of sufficient detail that is crucial to your depiction of her story, as I have mentioned above.

Here are the two essays to review and write letters each.

Essay #1.

I have once experience a stage where life is not important at all, I have time where parents just talking like a fan blowing you off. Nothing becomes important and priority for me, even god is just a faith that people believe in. But, I love one word. Speed. It all becomes questions and confusions that comes to my mind everyday, do faith really comes to our life, is it true the accident that I went through several years ago, did god just give me 2nd chance to live, and ask me to live more properly? God and faith knows when to give me my lesson, January 20, 2009. The tragedy happens fast, it is only seconds, and the lesson + trauma, and the story just becomes forever. He knows where we should be in nasty situation, and cherish what is the meaning of god.

Before the incident happens, several months before the actual accident, whether it is a reminder or not, I have a short dream about the same incident. When you believe in dream and god, you should pray for it. Instead, I was laughing out loud, and say to all my friends about it, which something that was not right.

Back two years ago, I just came back from US for my winter holiday, school just started, things are really fine. School just makes me frustrated, the 2nd day we come back, we have two important tests, also the 3rd day. Disastrous, cruel, lots of words and complaints come to me. Mind is just not stable, driver is absent for the past few days, so I drove my own just like a mad god. RIght left, 5 minutes, I was an insane driver, always race my friends to school everyday with my BMW. Looks like a spoilt kid with spoilt minds, and the worst, my parent known that, even catch me while I was driving like a dragon, even they scold me and took my car away, I took it back and drove it again.

Easy come, easy go, life flow just like I know, but when it flows really bad like my experience, it becomes epic failure. Just like the day is happens, it was a bright and sunny morning, and I never know that this tragic eventually ruins my whole New Year resolution, bless my family, but I don*****t think I*****m included. I woke up in the morning, it was late, 6:45 in the morning, and my school started at 7:45. I didn*****t get anything ready yet, all of the sudden, my parent came in, said the driver I used was absent that day, my grandmother going to airport because she have some problems in Jakarta, that*****s why she have to catch up a flight with certain time. While my brother, he went to school already, it was too late for me to go, and his school is much further, so I have no choice, eventually I was so lazy to drive, also excited since I rarely brought my car to school, I just get ready as fast as possible so I will not be late for school. With my loveliest breakfast, ready in the table, very yummy toast bread, croissant, and milk, and I*****m off to school and classes. Eventually, when it comes picking the berry out of the garage, which is the BMW, my brother have used it for sending him to school. So, I got the Honda MPV to accompany me to school. Fail to become Michael Schumacher, doesn*****t mean that my idea is finish, I got my next plan, either driver that have been used my brother and grandma, after they are back, they have nothing to do, and decided to change the more pimp ride, the car that I love to race with, since very safe, very comfortable, and one of my favorite car.

Guess what, all the plans that I have think off about before becomes all correct and true, during my school lunch time, as my driver gave the key to the receptionist, and I was having my lunch, I was feeling so happy, as they are doing this. I was thinking about another race going to be held right after my school, when everything is done, and tries to have fun. School days, just as beautiful as it we imagine it, and the afternoon eventually just came too beautiful, no one imagine the worst of the worst. Well, the story becomes dark, my friend came to the parking lot together with me, and said that was a really nice BMW, since we can see outside, and he half forced me to let him drive and try. *****No, No, and No!***** keep coming out, just to make him really know what he is thinking. Grabbing the key and running away to near my car. I was shocked, and went near the car also, to day don*****t dare, yet he dare and tried to start the engine, and driving it.

Vroom, Vroom, and here we go, as a good citizen, I tried to stop, but, as my adrenaline pumped up, feel that keep going will be alright. He test my car to lots of places, and at last, before he returned it, he said to me, try on the real straight road. It was a smooth ride, but suddenly goes to fast, the moments have started, slow down, slow down, eventually the motorcycle was already in front of us, very-very near, our car skid, and the crash happened! I was the whole moments, where the car skid, then I saw the road on the front mirror, I hold my hand and pray, I will not die, then the car stop moving. I went out it was just wrecked, the wheels flying everywhere, two of them were gone, one was the front left, fly to some other motorcycle that happens to past, so we said sorry, and give them some cash to let them away. Everyone coming, I was just chocked, and become speechless. Cry, anger, hopeless, eventually try to hit the person who crashed the car, but it was not his fault, I guess, this have been a faith that happens. Good things everyone was alright, but my left hand risk, was really screwed up, it becomes sideways, looks very disgusting, 10 minutes it does*****t hurt, suddenly it becomes really hurt, and I thought I am going to be handicapped forever for my hand. God still saves me, my driver after I called, he arrive at the right time, then we pick up my mother, which starting schooling like a hot stone fire put on my ear. I got his, and I felt really shame to be a failure some of my parents, my parents gave a big hope, and during my hardest time, I just prayed a lot, wishing lots of miracle came for me, and everything on me will be alright; and I will cherish the things that I have. We all met in the hospital, my dad is just convincing me, as long as you are alright, car can be bought, but I already felt my guilt and it is too late. My tears just like a river flowing down, and keeps trying to kneel and say sorry, your parents have given a good plan for you, don*****t ruin it during your worst ones. Then, as the doctor becomes available in 20 minutes, they asked me to went to the emergency room immediately, the doctor have said that if the hand will be done the next day, the hand have change that it will not go back to the usual hand. It was a cruel tests, and I kept on praying, eventually, the time comes, and when I woke up, I saw my hand, everyone even my friends came and smile for me, I felt so relieved, because lots of people beside me to support. My hand become a baby hand, I cannot move my left hand at all at first. Everything needs as we say, new training again, start like baby train their hand, I cannot type any computer at all for my left hand, everyone was sad, but this makes me a big lesson, never play with your life. Life is too precious, and why should wasting it on something that is not worth to be spend on, spend and be hero at something, then everything will become better.

Essay #2.

The aged hoary man silently stood, examined the new-born baby, and finally let out a deep and long sigh in despair. My grandpa could not hide his misery along with the tiredness when knew the baby was a girl, scored c

*****Is she really my granddaughter? Why are her eyes so small?*****.

after eighteen hours of uneasy ride on the airplane across the Atlantic Ocean and North America, these two tired but excited old couples who id not yet know the gender of the new-born baby scurried to a crowded hospital located in the center of a city in Maryland by a taxi directly from the airport were this new-born baby girl*****s grandparents. After hearing my grandpa*****s disappointed questions, a very long silence was held in this alcohol-smelled and strangely unwelcome room between my parents and my grandparents. Even my energetic sister remained deadly quiet when she sensed an unusual atmosphere. In this room, no one was hurt more than my mom really was. From my mom, a pair of exhausted eyes glanced down the bed without speaking, but this gesture was enough to make people have the mom and this baby alone at this tranquil night.

my birth was not especially special, compared to both my older sister*****s and my younger brothers. My sister is their first baby and my grandparents***** first ever granddaughter; everything was so fresh, careful, and exciting for them. Her dolls and toys overfilled her pick bedroom abundantly that each of them was only played no more than three times before the toys were passed down to a second owner. My younger brother is the first boy of our family who has the power to descend our last nave and continue carrying on this family on next generation in the future. His birth was hugely celebrated by my parents, my grandparents, and my relatives. My mom was treated completely different after my brother*****s birth; she received everyone*****s congratulations, my grandparents***** extra care, and her attention in the family.

Since my sister I were little, we were taught to be a traditional chinese girl as much as possible from my grandmother. The ideal traditional girl*****s personality is to be quiet, timid, obedient, shy, and girly. We took lessons on quilting, flower arrangement, and knitting. In early days, we usually visited my grandparents***** house on the mountain and had dinner there. DInner would also be served at exactly six o*****clock. Both of our hands needed to be helpful to each other during dinner time. My right hand scooped the food from the bowl or plate, while the other hand held the bowl or plates steadily. One hand would send a spoonful of food to my mouth, and the other hand formed a bowl-like shape under the spoon in catch any crumbs. If we forgot to have both of hands on the table, a quick and precise slap would come right at our arms from grandma. No one was neither allowed to watch television while eating nor talk at the table, because there was no need to spend an our eating a plate that only took ten minutes to finish eating. I usually left my grandparents***** house with tears.

Gender difference has made a big impact in my life, both physically and mentally. I was educated that boys are generally more important than girls when a question is asked, *****who has the ability to pass down a family*****s tradition and last name?*****. In a physical impact, dress is a piece of clothing that I absolutely hated in my childhood. However, I was always put on a dress before going to see my grandparents. My grandma;s favorite line is that, *****girls are supposed to act like girls.***** She thinks women should stay at home and be a good mom and a housewife who take care of the children, have cooked dinner while waiting for their husbands to come home, be as obedient and loyal as possible, and do al the housework. I don*****t think gender difference exists legitimately in my heart. There are great numbers of intelligent women in the world who achieve high educations, achievements, and job positions. There are also many women who wonderfully carry out their lives on themselves, without men.

Over last summer break, I watched a chinese movie called *****aftershock*****. Once, a perfect family was living tranquilly and happily on a rural area in china inner land. The parents have two adorable children; one is a boy and the other on is a girl. However, in one midnight, an earthquake struck this town and broke the town*****s quietness forever. All the houses, streets, and buildings collapsed in one night and separated hundreds of family. The father of the family dropped into the gaps that the earthquake created. The two kids were under a big stone wall growling and murmuring mama, almost suffocated, but still had conscious. The mom was safe covered with wounds and bloods all over her body. The firefights told her that it was impossible to save both of her kids, because they needed break the other part of the stone in order to save the kid on the other side. Under the limited time, and firefighter*****s pressure, she picked the brother, instead. RIght after her mom picked her brother instead, the girl broke into tears completely heartbroken. At the same time, my eyes were completely filled with tears as well. I think it is the most grieved, despondent, and sorrowful words to hear for kid. She was left lying there with a crowd of dead people one the devastating ground alone. She was not actually dead, she was later adopted by a fine family and living most of her lifetime under the grief. However, she overcame the sorrow, and became well established women with high educations and achievements than her brother did.

There are still many examples of strong gender differences shown in chinese society nowadays, but more in older generations. I have a female friend Daisy who has an older brother in the family. Their grandparent*****s perspectives on gender different are very much similar to my grandparents*****. In chinese new year, one of the traditions is that the kids will receive red envelops with money in them from their family and relatives. In my friend*****s case, Daisy always receives less money in red envelopes than her brother does from their grandparents. You can argue that this is because of age difference; older receives more than younger do. However, there are still many cases that she receives the feeling that she is less important than her brother is; her grandparents would give her brother extra money throughout a year at different time. Their grandparents would always compliment on how well Daisy;s brother do at school and how handsome he is, how smart he is, and so on. The only complement Daisy ever received from her grandparents is, *****you are skinny.***** However, she doesn*****t take it as a compliment. I know exactly how she feels in this circumstances, because some of them are my situations. I would always ask my self, *****What*****s wrong with being a woman?*****

Another example shown in the history as well demonstrated the women*****s potential and power to make a significant change for the colored people. Around twentieth century, the controversies and conflicts on he equality of race was challenged; most of African American*****s rights and privileges were taken away from the US, such as the establishment of voting rights, segregation laws, and Jim Crow Laws. Therefore, these segregation*****'s and discriminations both gradually outraged and inspired those civil rights activists, and motivated them for bringing transformation in American society. For example, Rosa Parks in one of the most effective and transformative woman in 1990s; she refused to give up her seat to a white man and therefore was arrested. However, later, the formation of Montgomery Bus Boycott made not only the bus company but also the white merchants suffer from huge loss of income because of their refusals to take the bus and to shop at the white merchant*****s shop. Rosa Park, act like a leader, showed all the african americans her determinations to flight against social segregation. Because of this historical event, both whites and black people began to pay attentions the severity of social segregations. She encouraged all the colored people to bravely stand up and to defense for their equal rights. Rosa Park*****s action of defiance became an important icon of resistance of racial segregation. Rosa Parks is a brave woman who managed to conquer her fears and genders, stood up against a white man was greatly acknowledges and remembered for many decades.