Term Paper on "Affect of Divorce on Middle Childhood"

Term Paper 13 pages (4802 words) Sources: 1+

[EXCERPT] . . . .

Divorce on Middle Childhood

There are many reasons behind the divorces of parents today, but despite all of the reasons behind it, there is no question that it is hard on the children of these parents, and when these children and in middle childhood and still discovering who they are, the problems can be worse. This paper introduces this topic and discusses the findings of current research regarding this issue, as well as conclusions that stem from this research. All research that is cited in this paper comes from professional journals and material that was written during the last five years, as the ideas about children and how they cope with the divorce of their parents continues to change.

It is for this reason that the subject is discussed here and the information that is cited is so current. What was said about children and how they cope with divorce 10 years ago may not reflect what has been discovered about children today. By allowing a very current discussion of the issue, what happens to these children can be avoided as much as possible and can be tempered where it cannot be avoided so that the children of divorced parents get all of the help and support that they can to avoid struggling with the problem in the future.

The Effect of Divorce on Middle Childhood

Introduction

Divorce is something that has been around for hundreds of years, but it has become so common today that the stigma that used to be attached to it is not often seen anymore. Depending on the country in which one lives and the religious denomination that one belongs to, divorce may be forbidden, generally accepted, or somewhere in between. Most middle-aged adults have been divorced or know people that have been divorced, many several times. However, there are consequences of divorce that go beyond having generally less money or dealing with religious convictions. For parents that divorce, many of them do not take into full account what the divorce can do to their children.

This does not mean that divorce is never a good option, as some parents are abusive to their children and/or spouse. If this is the case, divorcing and moving away from that parent may be the best choice. Child abuse can be very painful and hard to recover from, and children that see one of their parents being abused may come to the conclusion that this is normal and proper behavior. Most often, it is the mother that is abused, but this is not always the case, and there are abused fathers as well. This all has a strong effect on whether most people would believe that a particular couple should or should not divorce, but for parents that do not have abuse and other serious problems in their relationship, the idea of divorce is upsetting to many individuals, and the feelings of the children should be considered.

This discussion will focus on middle childhood, but first it is important to briefly discuss younger and older children, so that the discussion of middle childhood will more clearly showcase the differences between the effects that might be seen on children of divorce based on the age they are when their parents choose divorce as their best option. This age issue is significant, because the developmental stage of a child is critical to how that child will react to the idea that his or her parents are divorcing and will no longer be living in the same house. Children often think that this is their fault in some way, and in order to help them through that parents must understand exactly what makes the child feel this way and what works for their particular age level to stop them from having this opinion.

For very young children, say those that are under five or six years of age, what divorce actually is and why the parents are divorcing must be simplified so that the child can understand it. Children in this age group need these simple explanations and they should be told only what they actually need to know in order to avoid confusing them or making them feel as though they have done something. Children of this age should also be assured that the divorce is an adult decision that has nothing to do with how much either one of the parents loves the child, and that the child will still be loved equally and just as much by both parents even though one parent will no longer live there. This issue of love and assurance is important for children of all ages, but it is more important for young children whose grasp of what divorce means and why it is happening is not as strong as that of an older child that can deal with more technical explanations and issues.

For children that are older - late teens or college age - the explanations that are given for the divorce can be more along the lines of the type of explanation that would be given to another close adult. Care must be taken, however, not to make one parent look like the 'bad guy' so that hard feelings and animosity are not fostered toward one parent by the other. Even older children need the reassurance that they are loved and that they have not done something to cause the divorce, but they are more able, overall, to handle any issues that may come up. They also might accept the divorce better than they would have in middle childhood, simply because they are old enough to understand that their parents are not happy and they likely feel that happiness is something that all individuals deserve.

For someone in middle childhood, the consequences of divorce can sometimes be quite severe. Naturally, the discussion here will center around what can happen, and it should be understood that this is not something that is guaranteed. Every child reacts to the divorce of their parents differently, and because of this there is a range of things that can take place, and many different issues that are dealt with, based on the age and the emotional stability of the child, as well as his or her understanding of what is happening.

When parents divorce, the children are often caught in the middle and left feeling that it is their fault somehow. There are often harsh words, bad feelings, and emotional pain that come before, during, and sometimes after the divorce. While the feelings of the parents need to be expressed, their children are not the right people to express them to. Children are sensitive and emotionally vulnerable, and too many negative comments from one parent about the other can leave scars that last well into adulthood.

Findings

According to Valarie King (2002), parental divorces greatly decrease the level of trust found in their offspring. When parents divorce, their children lose a lot of the trust that they had in both of their parents. Often, it is the father who leaves, but the mother is distrusted, too, since some children think that the father's leaving was the mother's fault, or that she made him leave. Once children make it through their teenage years, the distrust largely disappears, except for the distrust in fathers, which seems to remain intact throughout the adult lives of the children (King, 2002).

King (2002) also points out that the ability of children to trust their parents is strongly linked to the bond that children have with their parents in their teenage years, whether or not the parents are divorced. There is hope for children who are mistrustful after a parental divorce, however. They will need extra attention, extra love, and a good, strong bond between themselves and both of their parents. Often this is not possible, especially if the parents no longer get along well with each other and therefore have trouble being civil to each other in private or in front of the children.

This can make the children's wounds deeper, because they not only distrust the parents for their breakup, but they see that one parent does not trust the other. This realization often leads to concerns about whether they can trust anyone, which makes their formative, growing-up years much more difficult for them and their parents (King, 2002). Once distrust gets started, it takes long time to set it right and convince that person that people can be trusted again. The easiest way to stop the feelings of distrust are to never get them started, but sometimes ugly and angry divorces between parents who use their children as bargaining tools make that virtually impossible.

It is often during the teenage years that children begin to experiment with new things, new people, and new ideas. This is a normal way to learn about life, and relatively harmless provided the children are not engaging in dangerous behaviors such as alcohol use, drug use, or unprotected sexual activity. Children… READ MORE

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